


Pit Stop

by Jestersnthieves (Lunarflare14)



Category: Halo, Red vs. Blue
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-03
Updated: 2013-09-03
Packaged: 2017-12-25 12:06:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/952887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunarflare14/pseuds/Jestersnthieves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Master Chief ran away from Tex because that’s perfectly normal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pit Stop

The Chief arrived in the canyon simply to refuel. It was labeled an outpost for some kind of military training when he first found it in the data base. Looking around however, nothing was happening. No semblance of training was taking place. There didn’t even appear to be any soldiers around. That’s when he heard a gunshot ring out. “FUCK! Caboose put the fucking gun down before you kill somebody AGAIN!”

“But Church-” 

“Now, Caboose.” That was at least a little more what he expected to hear. “You are useless.”

“I thought I was supposed to shoot at the red ones.”

“Yes but somehow you manage to kill your teammates. So it’s best for our side if you just… Don’t TOUCH the guns.”

“Okay, Church… But only if you’ll admit you are my bestest friend.”

“No.”

“Please!”

“Touch the gun again, and I’ll kill you. For real this time.”

Master Chief couldn’t be more confused. “Hey!” He called up the cliff to the trainees, “Where is your Commanding officer?”

“OH SHIT!” One of them fell down the cliff, landing next to him on the canyon floor. The blue armored Spartan look him up and down. “Caboose! Run! It’s probably another freelancer!”

But the plain blue Spartan stood up, not listening and offered his hand. “Hello, scary green man! I am Micheal J. Caboose… You look familiar. Did we go to summer camp together? OH! Were we bunk buddies!?”

“No. I’m-”

The other soldier on top of the cliff look over the edge, “Holy shit, it’s the Chief!”

The one called Caboose looked up, “Like the ones that Columbo met in Canyada!”

“Shut up! He’s the hero of the fucking Halo Wars, dumbass.”

“Oh…”

John raised an eyebrow. “Um… I need to refuel so-”

“We don’t have fuel. I mean, we use to have a tank but who knows where she is.” Church jumped down from the ledge bouncing excitedly, “I can’t believe you’re here! You! That is so badass!”

“Do you know where I can get some fuel?”

“The Reds may have some. But you don’t want to hang with them- they suck… and are our, like, mortal enemies or some shit.”

John scratched his head, and shrugged. “… You guys really take your training seriously. Good for you.”

Caboose raised his hand, “Oh! Mr. Chieftain!”

“Um… Yeah?”

Caboose fidgeted then took a deep breath. “Willyoubemynewbestestfriendandholdmyhandandmakesandcastlesandlikeme.”

Master Chief stared at the rookie. Caboose shifted nervously. “No.” Caboose sobbed and ran past the hills.

“Wow, man. You’re brutal.”

“Where are these… Reds?”

“Over there.” He pointed to a base draped with red banners.

“Thank you.” With that the Chief headed in that direction. “I’ve landed in a hole full of nut jobs.”

Church called after him, “Wait! Don’t you want to see our base!? It’s way cooler! And we have chicks over there! WAIT!”

The Red base was quiet enough. No one was outside and he knocked on the hatch door a few times before deciding they weren’t home. So he checked the Warthog parked out front for extra fuel, but found it had been converted to run on solar power. It was pretty clever, except it was parked in the shade. There was a rustling behind him and before he could turn to check everything went black.

………………………………………………………………….

“Oh my god, Lopez! You killed the Chief!” Came a hysterical feminine scream. When his eyes came back into focus he could see a pink armored soldier kneeling above, “Mr. Chief! Mr. Chief! Can you hear me honey! Don’t go towards the light! I still need to get your auto graph!” 

He sat up looking at the fangirl curiously, “Alright then, little miss, slow down. Who attacked me?”

“Oh, that was Lopez. He’s Mexican and uneducated so he didn’t realize who you are! He thought you were trying to steal the Warthog. Right, Lopez?”

The robot spoke and the translator in the Chief’s helmet gave him English subtitles, “*I knew who the asshole was. I need an outlet for my aggression since Sarge reprogrammed me never to harm a red.*”

John grabbed its throat and lifted him a foot off the ground, “Who you calling asshole?” 

“*Your mom*” He said in a flat monotone. The Chief set him down. Easy, Johnny. Just a machine.

“Fucking robots. Where’s your company at, miss?”

The pink soldier shrugged. “Sarge cleaning his guns again. Grif and Simmons are probably at the caves making out.”

“What?” 

The pink one tapped their chin in thought. “I think they are. I mean I have no proof of this but there’s defiantly a lot of sexual tension between those two boys. They’re always at each other’s throats and wrestling-“

“God, lady, I didn’t ask so, PLEASE, don’t tell me.”

“Okie dokie. Let me get the CO.” He turned and yelled, “OH MY GOSH, SARGEY! THE CHIEF’S HERE AND HE WANTS TO SEE YOU!”

A figured in red armor burst out of the base, shouting, “The Chief!? THEE Chief.” He grabbed his hand and shook it furiously. Even with the armor, John was sure his arm was about to come off. “Well, Mister Master Chief, it’s an honor and a privilege to finally meet you and to thank you for all the brave work you’ve done in the name of the human race.”

“It’s a pleasure, sir. Now as I was about to tell this lovely lady here I-“

Suddenly Sarge’s temperament changed. “Where you making eyes at my rookie, son?”

“No sir I-“

“Because he has a… significant other who’d be right pissed if you’d been checking out his fine armored ass. You weren’t doing that now were you?”

John’s eyes went wide, “He?”

“Yes, he.”

The pink soldier giggled. “Aww Sarge, I love it when you get all jeal-“

“Donut! Can’t you see I’m trying to converse with the man?”

Donut giggled again before giving a knowing nod. “Okay, Sarge. I’ll let you two talk.” With that he went into the base.

Sarge turned back to the Chief. “Pinky is mine.”

“I get it.”

“Mine.”

“Please stop.”

“I catch you staring at that tight ass again I’ll-“

“I think I’m going to throw up.”

Sarge gave a nod, “Yes. You should feel sickened by your unclean thoughts towards my lady-man. Now go.” The chief just nodded and walked back towards where he’d met the Blues. 

He breathed and banished the scene from his mind, “It’s okay, John. They’ve just… Been out here too long. Too long. I’m sure it gets lonely out here.” He kept reassuring himself until he came upon a base just like the other, except draped in Blue. “Hello?!”

A small alien head peeked out from the door, “BLARG!”

Chief readied his gun. “Don’t move.”

“Funny.” CLICK. “I was going to say the same thing.” The Chief turned to look at the black armored solider when a fist connected with his stomach, a chop to the back of his neck and he was down. 

“What the fuck?” But they just kicked him. “OW! SHIT! Are you all fucking insane! OW!” 

“TEX!” The black soldier stopped. A teal armored soldier stood in the door holding the little alien. “That’s the Chief! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Fine, Tucker. Next time, I’ll let him just kill the little freak of nature.

“He was threatening Junior!” Tucker kicked him. “Don’t mess with my kid, cockbite!”

“That’s it I’m out-” But Tex kicked him in the face then punched him in the nuts. “Ahhhhhhhhhhh…” The wind went right out of him with the assault on his genitals.

“Kinda a whiny bitch isn’t he?” Tex asked his other assailant.

Tucker shook his head. “All men are after a woman kicks their ass.” John stood and ran the best he could back to his ship. He’d rather be set adrift in outer space then stay in this mixed up canyon another minute. He started the engines and left orbit. NEVER would he speak of this stop to anyone.


End file.
